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Tour de France champ set to oppose Bush, Kerry

Five-time Tour de France champion. Cancer survivor. Olympian. Inspiration to all mankind.

President?

With a sixth Tour de France title looking more inevitable by the day, American cyclist Lance Armstrong is following in the footsteps of "The Governator," readying himself for a new challenge: American politics. In a stunning turn of events, Armstrong called a special press conference Wednesday to announce his official bid for President of the United States, sending shock waves through the camps of George W. Bush and John Kerry.

Flanked by two national guardsmen, the USA Basketball Team and--of course-- John Tesh, Armstrong was whisked onstage on a litter carried by four American sports writers, emerging triumphantly wrapped in an American flag as the theme song from "Greatest American Hero" blared on the overhead loudspeakers. "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air...," Armstrong squawked as he led the raucous crowd in a sing-along before beginning his stump speech. "I never thought I could be so free. Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me!"

Given the unorthodox nature of Armstrong's candidacy, the overriding question is, Why? Why Armstrong? Why the Presidency?

To that, Armstrong had an immediate answer: "I overcame brain, lung and testicular cancer and then I won the Tour de France five years in a row. Did George Bush ever overcome cancer and then win the Tour de France five years in a row? Did John Kerry? I didn't think so. But I did. I did that," adding, "Me."

Still, there is plenty of concern that Armstrong is adding his name to the ballot a little too late in the game. After all, Bush and Kerry have been trading barbs with vigorous ad campaigns for months now, so it may be tough for Armstrong to garner enough support to pull off an improbable upset this November. Armstrong, however, remains unconcerned about his late arrival to the race.

"Are you kidding? The media loves me," the überhuman Armstrong said. "They've turned me into a God. I've got all the support I need. I was on the cover of 37 magazines last month alone, for Pete's sake. Plus, the mainstream media has conveniently ignored the damning evidence concerning my alleged steroid abuse. I mean, Barry Bonds has been vilified by the press for his ties to the BALCO scandal. On the other hand, my significant ties to steroids have been all but overlooked. So what if I've worked closely with Michele Ferrari, the Italian doctor who is on trial and charged with supplying EPO and other illegal performance-enhancers? So what if I supposedly tested positive for steroids in 1999 (according to author David Walsh and others)? Nobody wants to hear that. They love me. My story is an inspiration to all. I'm an American hero. Don't you guys read the papers?!"

Despite his popularity, Armstrong has his share of critics--those who point to the fact that he has no military record nor any sort of political experience. But Armstrong brushes such criticisms aside.

"Talk about picking nits," Armstrong quipped. "John Kerry may have an impressive military record, and George Bush may have created 900,000 jobs. But I overcame brain, lung and testicular cancer and then won the Tour de France five years in a row. I make John Kerry look like a sissy girl."

During his press conference, Armstrong went on to talk about his campaign platform and his vision for a "better, more American America" before getting set to prepare for the next stage of the Tour. In a gesture reminiscent of James Cameron, Armstrong concluded his campaign speech by declaring simply, "I'm the king of the world."

When told of Armstrong's candidacy, Democratic challenger John Kerry wasn't completely surprised. "Well, it's certainly understandable," Kerry said. "I mean, the guy did overcome brain, lung and testicular cancer and then won the Tour de France five years in a row. That's gotta count for something."

President Bush reacted to the news as well, reading in a prepared statement, "God bless America." Indeed.

While Armstrong's announcement is sure to cause plenty of uproar among the Washington community, so far there seems to be an overwhelming amount of support for Armstrong, given his courageous story and his golden-boy image. The sports media seems especially keen on the idea of a 'President Armstrong,' given his nationwide popularity.

"He's the new Jesus," said Washington Post columnist Tony Kornheiser. "Who else is popular enough to unite the parties? Did you know he overcame cancer and then won the Tour de France five years in a row?"

ESPN's Stuart Scott, Armstrong's newly-appointed campaign manager, concurred. "Playa is straight-up feelin it, he's got the illest skills in the hizzle fa-nizzle. Check him smackin that c-beat and poppin in the scootem tootem on the bizzike, cuz. Lance is in the White Hizzouse for shizzle."

When asked to clarify his comments, Scott replied, "I have no idea what I just said."

Armstrong still has a long way to go before the November election. But thanks to his website-- Lance2004.com--his supporters have already decided, via internet vote, his campaign slogan: "Armstrong in `04: I Overcame Cancer and Then Won the Tour de France Five Years in a Row." The newly unveiled slogan, which will appear on the side of his tour bus as he travels across The Alps this week and the United States next month, just beat out the other choice, "Armstrong in`04: I Could Beat Up Superman."

Clearly, next on the to-do list for the Armstrong camp is to find a Vice Presidential running mate. Though he has only just announced his bid for the Presidency, rumors are already running rampant on who he will choose. Among the names being bandied about as potential running mates are Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump, and the entire cast of "Friends."

Some have warned Armstrong that his opponents are sure to attack him in the press, especially regarding those allegations regarding steroid use. Armstrong remains unfazed. "Trust me, the media won't say anything about that stuff," he said. "Because I overcame cancer and then I won the Tour de France five years in a row. I'm invincible."

Copyright © 2004 by Chris Bellamy

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