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KnightEnder
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This thread for the discussion and critique of "Story 2B" by Canadian.
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Richard Dey
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My etower 400i nearly blew apart trying to receive this file; it must be good!
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OldMountainGoat
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Canadian,

Being new here I didn't want to get in the first word. But I'll go ahead since no one else is.

I assume this thread is for Liam and Sally’s adventure on the reservation.

Overall the story worked for me. The imagery was strong. You get 10 out of 10 for the puckered maw, assuming you were going for the “ick factor” :-) Totally disgusting

I liked Liam’s character development. I believed that his adventure on the reservation was enough to shake him out of his previous course. You deftly revealed a lot of information about Liam’s personality: wanting to puke at the thought of getting married to Sally, yet marriage still seemed inevitable to him. Well done.

Sally was not as well developed. I did not believe her greed. I knew I was supposed to dislike her, but I just couldn’t get angry. I think it’s because she’d have to be dumb as a rock to think that there was any money in the reservation newspaper. The great imagery leading up to the mentioning of the newspaper works against her possible greed. By then she’s seen a scruffy pack of dogs, a bloated cow, and the puckered maw.

So, how to economically show her shallow character? I don’t know for sure. Possibly show her disrespecting the well meaning locals.

You don’t have to worry about PC type complaints from me. But I’m guessing you’ve already braced yourself for when this story gets published :-)

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stayne
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I don't know how I missed commenting on this, but apparently I did. I read it, and it stuck in my mind.

I really hated Liam. This is a _good_ thing, BTW, not a bad thing. You made him very real for me, enough to make me think I would want to kick his ass IRL. I saw him as selfish and whiny, and I was _really_ hoping that this was a Lovecraft sort of piece where the Cthuloid horror that had eaten his father would spring out and, sensing he was the son, devour him as well. Seriously, you did a really good job with the setting and the eerie awfulness of the place, so well that I was convinced that it was going to be horror.

I agree with Goat above, that I didn't really get that Sally sucked bad enough. Maybe she wasn't supposed to? My feel was that Liam hadn't learned to appreciate what he had, that he was being cruel to someone who loved him. I didn't believe his asessment of Sally as greedy; it seemed to me that he was rationalizing a self destructive urge by making her into a bad person, and that he was destined to end up like his father. (Are you sure we can't have him eaten by Cthulhu?)

This was a good piece, man. I don't usually go for ordinary drama, and I don't usually finish it, but the feel that 'something awful is about to happen' kept me going, and it stuck with me afterward that, in a very real way, something awful _did_ occur.

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