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Author Topic: The English are murderers
Member # 669

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They can even kill the world funniest joke.

Since Hatrack seems to be down, I am sending this out here (which were I usually put more serious positions). From Reuters:

No kidding — last week British
scientists announced they had found
the world's greatest joke, and this
wasn't just idle chatter around the
Bunsen burner.

The British Association for the
Advancement of Science examined
some 40,000 jokes submitted over the Internet from
70 countries.

After a year of government-financed research,
Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire told the wisecrack that he claims has the best chance of working with any audience around the world.

If you've heard it already, don't spoil the punch line:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services and gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Did you laugh? I didn't, nor did any of the working comics and comedy writers I contacted. In fact, the only thing British scientists may have conclusively proven is that maybe they really are eggheads.

‘If That’s the Best Joke …’

"If that's the best joke in the world, then I've never had a face-lift," says veteran comic Phyllis Diller, 85, who retired from live performances last year.

Back in the 1950s, Diller became one of the first full-time female stage comics.

"Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn," she'd tell audiences in her heyday — back when Bob Hope specials and Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts were the hottest thing on TV.

"I'm an old lady. Few things still shock me," Diller says. "But what kind of scientist thinks he can explain laughter?

"I can think of a disease or two that might be more worthy of a government research grant. Can't you?"

Still, if Wiseman wants to get into the giggle business, he should learn the first rule: Comedy is not pretty, especially if you think you're funny and you're not.

So here's what some real comedians think of Wiseman's research: Comics Roast Egghead

"I'd have to politely suggest to Dr. Wiseman that he stick to his day job … We politely refer to some guys as a N.G.N.A — Nice Guy, No Act." — Eddie Brill, booker for comedians, Late Show With David Letterman

"If the British are spending money on this, God knows what else they're spending it on The joke isn't funny. It isn't even in the ballpark of funny. 'Two Jews walk into a bar without a punch line' is funnier." — Lewis Black, commentator, The Daily Show on Comedy Central

"We now know why there are no rocket scientists — or any scientists, for that matter — on Hollywood Squares." — Dom DeLuise, who says the hardest part of working on Hollywood Squares is "squeezing your butt into those little spaces."

"This is a joke about a man who kills his friend. The really funny thing is that this joke wouldn't work if the two hunters were women. Now, I wish science could explain that." — Suzie Essman, who's appearing this week in HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm and Comedy Central's Crank Yankers

"That joke is such a bomb, the government is threatening to use it against Iraq." — Jeff Gurian, comedy writer for Friars Club Roasts, Joan Rivers, and Rodney Dangerfield

"I could make that joke funny, but only if I used obscenities every three words." — Gilbert Gottfried, stand-up comic and voice of the AFLAC duck in TV commercials

"Sure, Dr. Wiseman can find the funniest joke, but can he screw in a light bulb? I hear the second funniest joke is his resume." — Malcolm Kuschner, speechwriter, author of Public Speaking for Dummies

"What's funny is that hunters don't carry cell phones. That's a stupid joke! And it's long!" — Mario Cantone, stand-up comic who appears regularly on HBO's Sex and the City as Anthony, Charlotte's frenetic gay friend

"Scientists have once again proven they are the utmost boring people on earth." — Carol Montgomery, Las Vegas-based comic

"Whoever told that joke was wasting his breath … and that was no great loss, either." — Groucho Marx interpreter Frank Ferrante, imagining what Groucho would say

"This study was conducted on the Internet … I don't believe anything on the Internet. If you're reading my comments, I probably didn't say any of this." — Ellen Cleghorne, former Saturday Night Live cast member

"It sounds like they polled their lab monkeys, instead of people with a sense of humor." — Barry Dougherty, comedy writer and author of How To Do It Standing-Up … The Friars Club Guide To Being A Comic, A Cut-Up, A Card, Or A Clown

"This is the kind of research you do when you graduate last in your class." — Lenny Marcus, a computer programmer turned "Geek Comic," who recently appeared at the Montreal Comedy Festival

"That's the kind of joke that must be written in prison. No self-respecting stand-up comic would use it. My mother might like it. In fact, I'm going to call her and tell it to her." — Eddie Ifft, New York-based stand-up comic who's appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend

"I can absolutely guarantee that's not the greatest joke. I wrote a better one last week: 85-year-old Phyllis Diller has a stalker. Not to worry, he's in a walker."
— Phyllis Diller

Buck Wolf is entertainment producer at ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files is published Tuesdays. If you want to receive weekly notice when a new column is published, join the e-mail list.

More on the British Humor Study

In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.

After examining 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and 2 million critiques researchers found found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

People from the United Kingdom, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK — where are you from, jackass?"

Europeans Dig Surreal Gags

Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.' "The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

In Scotland, Death Earns Laughs

Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

And animals figured prominently. Take the No. 1 joke in England:

"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!' "The other says: 'Go home, Dad, you're drunk.'"

Germans Laugh Most The survey revealed other fun facts:

• Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.

• If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

• The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky?

A stick." Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

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Member # 202

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Thank heavens for UK Science. A couple of months ago, British researchers proved that consuming alcohol made other people seem more attractive. This was exciting news to me, since I always thought it made ME more attractive.

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Ron Lambert
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I think Suzie Essman missed the obvious in her comment on the joke British scientist Richard Wiseman thought was the best in the world. She said: "The really funny thing is that this joke wouldn't work if the two hunters were women."

She's wrong. This joke would work perfectly if the surviving hunter were a blonde. This is a blonde joke. It was simply miscast.

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Member # 669

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That has got to be the funniest comment I have seen this month. Most insightful!
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You know, you have to admire a people so dedicated to humor they actually try to figure this out...
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Tom Grey - Tigger
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Maybe I'm becoming too European, but "you silly cow ..." was pretty funny to me.

But I also liked the Texan's answer: "OK -- where are you from, jackass".

I remember a really stupid Phyllis Diller TV show about rich folks becoming poor; but she was often a funny lady.

I would have expected the most frequent submitted to be a light bulb variation; or perhaps:
What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

[you might replace lawyers with politicians or other to-be-mocked group]
... a good start.

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I just had to add this.
did you ever see the monty python bit in which a man writes the funniest joke in the world and promptly dies laughing? The police eventuall get control of the situation, but only after a few people are hospitalized for inadvertantly reading part of the joke. MI5 gets it and translates it for use as the ultimate weapon.
Its a very funny bit, but I dont know what the joke was, since I only heard it in german.

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Member # 310

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According to this site
funniest joke

NOTE: The 'Funniest Joke in the World' DOES NOT translate into English. It's some made-up gibberish words mixed in with some real German words in a proper sentence structure, but it doesn't mean anything, so don't bother trying to decipher it. Besides, if you managed that you'd probably die laughing.


[This message has been edited by LetterRip (edited October 22, 2002).]

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