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Author Topic: Our Troops Are Coming Home
Loki
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War's over folks, we brought in the Big Guns.
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LoverOfJoy
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Chuck Norris is a weapon of mass destruction!
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TommySama
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I heard that this one time, a man was charged with terrorism and found guilty. His sentence? Death by drawing and quartering, or five minutes alone with Chuck Norris.

Needless to say, he chose drawing and quartering.

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0Megabyte
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While I love the playful mythology of badassness that surrounds Chuck Norris, I wonder, where did it come from?

And will, in fifteen years or so after his death, will they begin writing holy books or something, or what?

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Wayward Son
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Hey, how did you think Hercules got his start, 0Megabyte?

That's right...he trained under Chuck Norris. [Wink] [Big Grin]

[ November 17, 2006, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: Wayward Son ]

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Daruma28
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Don't get me started on Chuck Norris.....

Too late. [Big Grin]

Chuck Norris dies 6 months ago. The Grim Reaper is just too scared to show up and tell him.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer....too bad Chuck Norris doesn't cry.

All Newborn babies cry, because they realize that they have just entered a world that has Chuck Norris in it.

Chuck Norris once got an erection while lying face down on the ground. He struck oil.

There are no WMDs in Iraq...Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun...and won.

The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave with a razor...he punches himself in the face. Nothing can cut Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding!! Chuck Norris is first.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

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The Drake
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When did this turn into Barrens chat?
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PlaydoughBoy
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Lol Drake.
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Loki
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Chuck Norris visited a beautiful, lush and healthy jungle once, now it's called The Barrens.
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The Pixiest
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One of my favorite things to do is /1 Chuck Norris just before zoning out of the barrens.

It's like a match in a room full of gasoline and I get the door closed just in time.

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TommySama
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"And will, in fifteen years or so after his death, will they begin writing holy books or something, or what?"

Faithless fool, the bible has already been created

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KnightEnder
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Chuck Norris is so mean he can peel an onion at eighty-yards just by hating it.

KE

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RickyB
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0meg - Chuck Norris, in his prime, was THE most badass of any martial-artist who bothered with tournaments at the time. He was an epoch, a sea-change, a before-and-after figure in that world. He dominated it like MJ dominated hoops, like Jim Brown dominated football.

He really was something. EQUALLY lethal with both hands and both legs. That's nearly unheard of. Just flawless technique in every aspect AND awesome sheer power in his punches and kicks.

Much as I love Bruce Lee and don't like Norris much in real life (at least his opinions that I've heard and his shyt, crap, awful TV show), I have to say that if the fight in the Colloseum in "Way of the Dragon" had been for real, I woul have laid my money on Chuck at 50:1.

Daruma - that list of old jokes aside, do you concur?

[ November 17, 2006, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: RickyB ]

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DonaldD
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Well, Lee 'taught' Norris' (there's debate whether you could use the term 'teacher' or 'sensei') so I'm not sure about 50:1... on the other hand, Lee never competed in the same way as Norris did...
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RickyB
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I think Lee taught Norris his system. I don't think Norris came to him like an acolyte to a Master, but rather like a classical pianist coming to an equally good Jazz pianist to learn Jazz. I could be wrong.

Besides, Donald - the correct term in this case would be "sifu" [Smile]

[ November 18, 2006, 06:49 AM: Message edited by: RickyB ]

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seekingprometheus
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quote:
Chuck Norris doesn't shave with a razor...he punches himself in the face. Nothing can cut Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.

LOL
[LOL]

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Daruma28
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Yes Ricky, Chuck WAS a badass back in the day...IIRC, he was a 6 time full contact Karate champion. All exaggerations aside, the Chuck Norris roundhouse kick IS a thing of beauty... [LOL]

According to books I read, Chuck did in fact train with Bruce Lee to learn from him - but after Bruce died, Chuck's PR management tried to claim that Bruce and Chuck had an "exchange" of techniques and philosophy - like your analogy of two masters meeting.

However, I've read several books on Bruce Lee and all of Bruce's friends, his wife and students all reject this as Chuck's PR Management merely trying to prop up his stature, and that Chuck basically WAS an acolyte. He came to Bruce as a mulitple world karate champion, and after one training session immediately realized that in fact Bruce was light years ahead of him. There are several quotes from Chuck that admit as much as well.

As for the teasing - I believe that actually comes from the totally unbelievable idiocy of the plots and abilities of Chuck in Walker: Texas Ranger. That show made me lose a few IQ points every time I bothered to watch even a few minutes of it....

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kenmeer livermaile
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Thanks, D. I've been waiting for someone to give me a decent setup to pull a Chuck Norris joke outta my ass. Here goes:

"Chuck in Walker: Texas Ranger. That show made me lose a few IQ points every time I bothered to watch even a few minutes of it...."

When TV reception goes bad during an episode of "Walker: Texas Ranger", you don't hit the TV to straighten it out, it hits YOU.

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philnotfil
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Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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RickyB
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LOL, Ken,
Hey, Daruma - I'm glad to hear that. As I said, I like Bruce much better than Chuck (7 times US champion, 5 times world champion, all consecutive, btw).

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Loki
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Bruce Lee was so amazing, I think the reason he died, was because he learned to shoot fireballs out of his hands and his body couldn't handle it.
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kenmeer livermaile
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Chuck Norris has a very gruff physical concept of martial arts. He thinks Tai Chi is a form of origami.
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kenmeer livermaile
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Chuck Norris was once accused of receiving government kickbacks. The case was laughed out of court. No one would kick back at Chuck.
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kenmeer livermaile
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Chuck Norris has sued the USDA for copyright infringement regarding chuck roasts and chuck steaks.

Papers filed by Chuck's attorneys say only 4 words:

Leave my meat alone!

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cperry
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Who knew? I mean really, who knew?!
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kenmeer livermaile
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Chuck's meat knew.
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Wayward Son
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I would say that it's time to chuck this thread, but that would be a bit dangerous, wouldn't it? [Wink]
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kenmeer livermaile
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Chuck off, awreddY!
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kenmeer livermaile
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p.s. did I ever tell you I admire you, cp? along with your ankles?
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TommySama
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You have beautiful legs. I'd really love to photograph them...
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