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Anecdotes, observations and rants from the midseason classic

Tickets to the 2004 All-Star Game in Houston: $75

Soup & Sandwich and a Coke at the neighborhood sports bar: $15.03

Watching Roger Clemens get shellacked in front of his "hometown" fans: priceless

My apologies to Houston Astros fans, those who came out or tuned in to see their ace take the mound in Houston, where he won All-Star MVP honors 18 years ago. O, the poetry!

But trust me, soon enough, you'll learn to hate him just as I do, you'll learn to revel at his every defeat, once he pulls another Benedict Arnold and skips town again. The rumors and grumblings have already begun. It's all part of the Roger Clemens cycle, you see. In time, you'll understand.

But I digress . . .

The advertisements for this year's MLB All-Star Game declared: "This One Counts." Now, the layman (i.e. my mother) might ask, "Why does this one count? What makes this year's game any different from years past?" Simple, really. Like so many other questions pertaining to modern major league baseball, the answer is: Because Bud Selig is an idiot. After incurring the wrath last year of baseball's fan base--for whom he appears to care very little--by inexplicably calling the game in the middle of a tie, Selig got the equally bright idea that the outcome of the All-Star Game should determine home-field advantage in the World Series. If anyone else thinks that makes any sense whatsoever, please raise your hand.

Didn't think so.

But on the other hand, the rule did give me added incentive to watch the game intently and root for the American League, just on the off-chance that my Red Sox make it to the World Series (just go with me here, people). Unfortunately, the chance of seeing Games 6 and 7 of the Fall Classic at Fenway Park caused me to do things I'm not proud of. Like when I put my hands together and started clapping when A-Rod connected on an RBI triple. Or pumping my fist when Mariano Rivera closed out the win for the A.L. Like I said, I'm not proud of it. But it had to be done. If only for the sake of home-field advantage.

But, as it turns out, the game itself wasn't what kept me watching. After all, the outcome was practically decided in the first inning, when Manny Ramirez, Alfonso Soriano and the American League bats beat Clemens like a redheaded stepchild en route to an early 6-0 lead. (Has anyone been able to decipher my feelings about Roger Clemens yet? Anyone?)

So naturally, when a quasi-meaningful game like this turns into a blowout, one's mind tends to wander. Take mine, for example:

• Who'd have thought that the highlight of the evening would come during pre-game introductions? And once again, the hearts and minds of Astros fans were at stake. Somehow, former Red Sox manager and current Astros manager Jimy Williams got himself a coaching spot on the N.L. All-Star Team. Given the team's 44-44, fifth-place record, someone needs to explain this to me. Maybe there's a perfectly legitimate reason. Anyhow, Houston fans gave him the reception he deserved, as the crowd erupted with a thundering chorus of boos. And it wasn't just the boos--it was Williams' reaction. Did anyone else notice this? Is there any way I could get that on tape? If there was a facial equivalent of the middle finger, that was it. Just priceless. And then the next day he got fired. What a week for good ol' Jimy.
• When handing out the ceremonial first pitches, the timeless Muhammad Ali started shadow-boxing Derek Jeter, and my heart leapt as I thought he just might accidentally land one. Unfortunately not.
• FOX is slowly losing my respect as a network sports giant. Early in the game, they made a bizarre comparison between Pudge Rodriguez and, of all people, Yanni. And then they played Yanni music while showing Rodriguez highlights. Honest. I haven't been that confused since I first saw "Mulholland Drive."
• Here's something that's been sticking in my craw for three months now: Scooter, FOX's animated, educational talking baseball. He's been a new addition to the FOX broadcasting team this season, enlightening us dumb baseball fans on such unexplained phenomena as, "What is a curveball?" I mean, what is this? Schoolhouse Rock? I half-expected him to break into a rendition of "Conjunction Junction" right in the middle of his "analysis." To top it all off, Scooter is voiced by the same guy who voices SpongeBob Squarepants. Is this what baseball has come to? I feel I'm getting dumber by the day. I can't emphasize this enough: Scooter is a talking cartoon baseball. And Scooter's first appearance of the night came right after an advertisement for this fall's sure-to-be hit, "Trading Spouses." I started to have a seizure right there in the middle of the restaurant. My brain just cannot handle that much stupidity all at once. There has to be a way to blame Bud Selig for this.
• Call me crazy, but when Barry Bonds walked in the third inning, I suddenly noticed, for the first time, the striking resemblance between Bonds and RuPaul. Did anyone else realize this or am I just weird? I swear, put him in a studded evening gown and some high-heeled Stilettos, and darling, he would look fabulous. This, of course, can only mean one thing: RuPaul must have an enormous forehead.
• Okay, in the first All-Star game that decides home-field advantage in the Series, both Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz hit homers. How can this not be a sign of things to come? Or am I being too optimistic and/or desperate and/or stupid? Do you think Scooter is getting to me?
• Need further proof that the current All-Star voting system needs to go? Jason Giambi is hitting .241 with 35 RBI and he started at third base. Esteban Loaiza has a 4.77 ERA and he was on the team as well. Case closed.
• And finally, the biggest catastrophe of all. So Fantasia sang the National Anthem and did a fabulous job. Ruben Studdard sang "God Bless America" during the seventh-inning stretch. What I want to know is this: Why wasn't William Hung involved? Doesn't baseball know a golden opportunity when it sees one? Couldn't he have led the crowd, a la Harry Caray, in the traditional singing of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"? Why am I not the commissioner? I want answers--and I want them now.

Copyright © 2004 by Chris Bellamy

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