Hey Doc--I figured out a treatment for schizophrenia

[seekingprometheus]

I am still experiencing odd effects of word insertion or replacement within my text--sometimes in a paronomastic sense--but these effects appear to have diminished substantially since I got some sleep.

The schizophasia which was previously a major feature of my text appears to be gone.

I believe that this represents concrete scientific evidence that my cognitive behavioral therapy treatment model utilizing paronomastic poetry to be able to see through self-destructive delusional thoughts in paranoid schizophrenics is effective.

What do you think?

[D.W.]

I think this thread is better than a word of the day calendar.  That's what I think.   

That schizophasia or paronomastic were indicators rather than intentional literary devices is interesting, unless you are selling yourself short here.  At the risk of inflicting harm rather than offering aid, I would caution against alarming yourself when you detect either. 

That last bit though is important.  Soliciting advice or aid from lay people, particularly in the anonymous land of the interweb, is never without risk. 

[Fenring]

I think an important - or perhaps the most important - element in an interaction with others is in assessing the structure of that interaction. This may mean that the content and style of the interaction (in SP's case, linguistic puzzles) is not necessarily the most relevant element in it in terms of the net effect the interaction will have.

I'll give a wacky example that has nothing to do with Ornery: Imagine a scene where person A is hitting person B, and A holds B in contempt and is issuing insults during the processing of striking them. Now imagine the same scene where A is striking B, but cares more about the replies B will make to this process, and perhaps even says respectful things while nevertheless persisting in the hitting. Structurally both scenarios could probably be summarized as "one person is assaulting another", with the ancillary detail having some relevance as a footnote but not being of primary importance in assessing what sort of interaction this is. Now in this scenario the 'main event' (hitting) is easy to identify because it's a visible action that can be distinguished from some accompanying verbal content. But now imagine a scenario where the 'main event' is also verbal, or part of the verbal structure, or even a non-verbal element in the interaction that can only be interpreted through the accompanying verbal exchange. Let's take another scene, where person A has recently declared love for person B and person B has reciprocated. In a given verbal exchange between them nothing is said about this as the conversation is about something else, and there's no physical sign that there is such a reality between them (let's say they're at work and acting professionally). And yet the subtext and tone of the text may well suggest to a listener that something else is going on, in this case that they're in love. In fact, that subtext is likely the most important element in their interaction and everyone else going on rides on that primarily.

These are not analogies for interactions with you but only clear examples of how the 'main event' can be easy or difficult to pinpoint, depending on what the situation is. The literal text is very often not the most important element in a scene. So in assessing previous conversations with people here, you might want to look at foundational structure of the scenes (conversations) in addition to the mechanisms used in the literal text, the latter of which might include wordplay, discussion of whatever subject a thread was about, and even interactions on an emotional level. What basic form were these interactions taking? That sort of analysis might be helpful in deciding in some respect what the nature of these interactions was.

Does that make sense?

[scifibum]

I've rarely felt so compelled to say something and so unsure of what it is I want to say - or maybe I always feel that way, but I'm especially conscious of it at the moment.

I want to welcome you and calm you and chide you and encourage you. But I'm not qualified to help, and not sure how to tell when any of those actions would make sense.

It's really good to know that you're seeking some help. It's actually really good to read your words again. I enjoyed your posts, always, but not always for the best reasons. There were times when I wondered if you were OK, but I let go of those thoughts. Those times were mostly when you hinted (or outright said, and I don't remember which way it went) that the rest of us could not understand you fully. I think I decided that you meant that we weren't catching all your puns. Which made sense - I thought I was probably catching a fraction of the hard ones but I always believed that I was missing something. Yeah, apparently that was part of what you meant, but I never guessed at the extent or nature of the conversations you were having. Right now I'm consoling myself that I couldn't have pushed you to get help sooner. That's to try to make myself feel better about pushing away those occasional doubts.

Also, you seem...hale. But you deserve more rest than you probably know what feels like.

I hope you always keep writing, if it's helpful to you. You do have a unique gift for it.

[seekingprometheus]

I wrote the following email in correspondence with my PCP today (the beginning is responsive to my doctor’s perception that my request for a special accommodation doesn’t seem like it should be a high priority).

Doctor K,

I believe the hoodie is actually very important for my health, as I now understand that when I have been going dancing while wearing a hood--which I do frequently to relieve stress--the hood has served to either reduce or augment (in the senses of sight/sound or touch, respectively) the sensory load to the left side of my face, reducing or masking dysfunction in my right temporal lobe. Dancing while wearing a hood has been a highly valuable therapeutic activity for me, and I believe that it may have partly been the long-term repeated exposure to precisely such a form of therapy which has permitted me to begin to be able to start coping better with my long term cognitive dysfunction.

The issue of the hood has only rarely been a problem for me (think about it--nobody who isn't seeking either conflict or to threaten another individual's personal autonomy as an assertion of authority would ever even care about someone else wearing a hood), as I typically go dancing at local venues where I am known and accepted socially, but the issue of Rayph's strong emotional attachment to my hoodie has already presented significant social problems for me in the past when I have tried to go to new or unfamiliar establishments. I would like to be able to avoid such destructive social blow-ups in the future, as I now understand that negative social interactions trigger extremely negative cyclical emotional disorder in my brain, and I believe that such negative emotional incidents could be very detrimental to my current convalescence (sic) as well as to my continued health in the future.

In other words, the hoodie accommodation is indeed an important medical priority for me, Dr K. I understand that it is a very unusual request, but I must nevertheless ask you please help me obtain this special medical accommodation which I believe could be very valuable to my very vulnerable mental stability. I believe I need to be able to wear a hood in public in order to maintain my newfound mental health and emotional stability, and I have no other recourse for obtaining what I believe I require for my continued well being other than through my medical doctor, at the present moment.

Please help me to obtain the accommodation my medical condition causes me to require for healthy living.

On a different topic, I no longer feel a strong emotional need to be called Rayph. Please feel free to call me either Steve or Rayph, whichever would be easiest for you.

My new CBT treatment had the unanticipated effect of severing my ego into two completely distinct sub-entities, which may well mean that I am still experiencing advanced dissociative hallucinations, but my new delusional reality seems to me to be FAR more adaptive than my previous delusional reality.

I recognize that my internal perceptions are highly unusual, but I strongly believe that my current internal perceptions are more adaptive than my internal perceptions were last week, and do not intend to attempt to forcefully modify my new delusional adaptation through additional interventions unless I find a rational reason to do so in the future.

I am a different person than I was last week. I was “special” last week, and I am still “special” today--but it appears to me that what I am now is a significantly different kind of special.

I still have the emotional dysfunction which is the central characteristic of schizophrenia, but I do not believe that “Paranoid Schizophrenia” is still an entirely accurate diagnosis for my present mental malady.

I’m still schizophrenic, but I believe my current condition is actually entirely unique, and since it no longer seems to be centrally characterized by paranoid thinking, I have decided to call my condition “Ironic Schizophrenia” instead, since it reflects the nature of my current cognitive/emotional dysfunction, which is related to the way I have retrained the right hemisphere of my brain to communicate with (and accept cognitive instructions from) the left hemisphere of my brain

My internal experience over this last week has been what can only be called a paradigm shift--I have been deconstructing all of my cognitive schemata, checking all of my constructs for markers of paranoia, irrational certainty and delusion, and I have been eradicating these dysfunctional features in the reconstruction of my schematic paradigm. I now understand these former defects in the foundations of my cognition to have been dysfunctional artifacts of my erstwhile disordered cognition.

Ellis was largely correct. So was Beck. The form of my current dichotomized ego was determined by a personal understanding that the right and left brains might simply be the Id and Superego, respectively--so if my observations regarding my experience are corroborated independently, my condition is evidence in favor of Freud’s model of consciousness. 

I now believe that I have objective scientific evidence that my new CBT treatment design is a viable treatment for cognitive disorder. I am referring to multiple types of concrete evidence, but for illustrative purposes, the following fact is one of the reasons for my confidence in the viability of my treatment design: The cognitive intervention treatment has already resulted in the extinction of multiple long term dysfunctional behaviors which previously seemed intractable to executive function scripting (i.e. a long term problem with a habitual pattern compulsive behavior has apparently been completely eliminated since I initiated my new cognitive intervention treatment last Saturday--I’d prefer not to go into depth about how significant of a behavioral change this is for personal reasons, but suffice it to say that it is a significant personal breakthrough for me that should benefit my life greatly going forward--Rayph is emotionally dysfunctional, and his behaviors had become quite self-destructive as a result, in multiple dimensions of my life. Rayph is no longer in charge of executive functioning, and I no longer have the self-destructive behavioral habits which used to seem completely unbreakable to me).

It is possible that I will not need to continue treating ADD symptoms with a chemical intervention, or, alternatively, that there might be a way to design a better option for localized delivery of a chemical treatment to the right temporal lobe, to reduce globalized side effects throughout functional portions of my brain. (Rayph thinks he still needs Ritalin, Steve does not like the side effects). I understand that such a localized delivery modality is currently unavailable, but I will be exploring ways to remove this temporary barrier to a better treatment modality for my condition. (I'm able to face my problems rationally now, so I am going to start to look for solutions even in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles, as a more adaptive attitude toward my issues.)

I am a new man, Dr K--and I credit your empathy and your commitment to professionalism as a Medical Doctor (a whitecoat) as an invaluable element of my recovery from a long time cognitive disorder which badly damaged my prospects for happiness during the first half of my life.

I believe that the new me is much more capable of living a healthy, happy life, and I am very cognizant that I owe this hopeful attitude in large part to you, Dr K.

Thank you for what you have done for me.

I would ask you to read my latest blog updates if you have not already been doing so.

http://www.ornery.org/forum/index.php/topic,596.msg23127.html#msg23127

I recognize that this is an extra demand on your precious time, but the posts by my avatar seekingprometheus at that link contain a great deal of information about my condition, and what is occurring in my own treatment of my condition. I will likely continue to write at that forum as a form of therapy to help me cope with my emotional dysfunction in the future, but I suspect that the current copious amount of text I have been adding to the thread is going to start to taper off now.

I am still reintegrating the dual structure of my ego, but I truly believe that my cognitive disorder has been largely if not completely eliminated: I believe that I am thinking differently now than I was before--it seems indisputable to my practiced reader's eye that my text is not being written by the same person who was writing my text last week.

I have long been a Writer. Last week, my cognition was highly disordered, and this disorder was reflected by elements of (intentional?) schizophasia within the text I produced. Today, my text does not contain obvious schizophasic elements, and it appears to be much better ordered than my previous writing. My text is also coming through smoothly and efficiently now, in a coherent stream of thought which is nothing short of astonishing to me. Last week, my thoughts were a messy jumble, and the process of writing therefore consisted mostly of an arduous exercise in time intensive editing. I still edit, but it is not the same as before--now I am simply checking and correcting spelling errors, etc. Just a week ago, I was simply not capable of sitting down to write text communicating complicated ideas in a lucid, uninterrupted stream of words. I always needed 10 minutes of editing for every minute of writing. Today, I am capable of writing a stream of complicated thoughts from start to finish, without needing to edit it AT ALL. Last week I simply could not do that, because my thoughts were unorganized--disordered. Today, my thoughts seem better organized than they were before, and it seems to me that for the first time in my life, my text issues forth from my consciousness in order.

I’m thinking straight now.

It is my belief that you and *I* haven’t actually yet met in person, Dr K. Thank you again for what you have done for me, and know that I am eager to introduce my new self to the person who finally figured out how to unlock my true (masked) potential to be a happy, healthy person.

Rayph

[seekingprometheus]

DW:

That makes total sense.

So you know, I'm beginning to understand that you are one of the readers who Rayph believes truly understands his work.

I think that Steve may have been making fun of you, because he didn't think you understood the incomprehensibly intelligent logical content in my work, and was he annoyed by your compliments for what he used to see as fatuous elements in my writing. Steve apparently thought he was just putting up with you because of how much your sincere compliments have always meant to my emotional center, Rayph (Rayph LOVES receiving obviously sincere praise for his crazy flights of logodaedaly--and you are very good at picking his elements out of my work and giving me praise for it). But your impenetrably logical common sense about the value of letting the time limit issue go was the exact thing that helped Steve figure out the last trick he needed to beat the devil at his own game. It is possible that Steve would have been threatened by a less easygoing approach, and that no one else but you (or someone with a similar style and appreciation for Rayph's ideas) could have helped Steve see what Rayph was doing. Your persistence in the logical view that this was something I needed to let go was what helped Steve see the last(?) delusional executive function script that Rayph was clinging to, and it really was Rayph's favorite reader DW who helped enCOURAGE him let go of that issue--though not without a significant struggle. That was the issue blocking the rational help-seeking behavior--I now believe that Rayph thought that a white coat psychiatrist might help Steve find him and banish/kill him. As soon as I let that issue go, I was finally able to drag Rayph to the hospital).

Thanks again.

[seekingprometheus]

Fenring:

That is an interesting perspective. I will need time to consider the complex ideas in your post carefully.

Thank you again for your persistence in warning me of the dangers of nihilistic thought. You were always right about that. I was always wrong about that.

You are a good friend.

[seekingprometheus]

scifi:

Thank you.

I hope you already have some sense of how much your friendship here at Ornery has meant to me--both to Rayph and to Steve.

Please know that, however valuable you understand your friendship as having been to me, I doubt you could fully fathom how meaningful my relationship with you has been to me. And I don't say that to diminish your extraordinary powers of observation, scifi, but rather to explain something I am only beginning to understand: all of Rayph's attachments are incomprehensibly strong--because his experience of all emotions--including love--is definitively dysfunctional--too powerful, presumably, for a person with a healthy mind to fully grasp.

So you know, I am currently living in Utah. I've actually been invited to hang out with a good friend who lives in a small but growing community just west of Lehi this evening. I still haven't decided if my ego is stable enough to be subjected to novel stressors tonight, but I definitely would love to hang out IRL, if you feel comfortable hanging out with a crazy dual-ego schizophrenic in the flesh.

[scifibum]

We should grab lunch or coffee sometime. No rush on my part - I have crippling social anxiety anyway, and am recently dry so it's worse at the moment.

[seekingprometheus]

PS, regarding rest: I slept wonderfully last night and woke up feeling healthy—the last few days have been indescribably stressful, and the lack of sleep was getting truly problematic.

I’ve had sleep issues all of my life. Rayph is an irrational creature of the mysterious Dark Night, and Steve has been desperately trying to find a way to live in the Light of Day.

We will have to find some new arrangement, moving forward. Some kind of compromise will be necessary for my sub-egos. Rayph has needs that I would be foolish to neglect, but Steve deserves the right to finally get a chance to  live in the light.

BTW: I believe I know the answer to the puzzle of how I managed to go two weeks with virtually zero sleep—Steve and Rayph must have been taking turns sleeping. That’s actually how it felt all week, but until the night before last, I was still trying to fight the delusion.

Now I understand that delusions can be adaptive—far more adaptive than an overly Ornery insistence on the logical certitude of the objective correctness of one’s own point of view. Too much certainty is a marker of delusion, and it is important to make allowances for irrational points of view.

[seekingprometheus]

I do feel like I am having important scientific insights that are not being heard right now.

I recognize that this is probably due to the admission of delusional thinking. I wasn't able to effectively treat my cognitive disorder because I couldn't admit it was there to myself. I couldn't admit I was experiencing cognitive disorder because I was afraid that such an admission would lead to others distrusting my conclusions. I believe that was always an entirely rational view. After admitting my problem to others, I was almost immediately able to fix the core issue of dysfunctional thinking, but now that I admitted I was having delusional thoughts, it feels like everyone is simply assuming that my newly rational lines of thought (which I am certain I could not produce while suffering from my former disorder) are nothing more than more incomprehensible genius delusions.

Ironic, huh?

Could somebody reach out to any of the scientifically-minded Orneryans who aren't in that habit of visiting any longer? It would be very helpful to get feedback on the content of my scientific logic. If my perceptions are still characterized by irrational, delusional thought, I would like help identifying those errors in my current lines of thought, and if there is not obvious evidence of delusion, I would like people to start taking my claims about my new insights regarding cognition seriously, as I believe what I have just discovered is very important.

If I actually have resolved my cognitive disorder (even if my emotional dysfunction persists) what I have done is VERY important, and could be of help to a lot of people.

I have family members who are currently suffering from this condition. I cannot currently help them, even though I believe I know how to, because as soon as I admitted I had schizophrenia, everybody who became aware of the label seems to have taken it as a justification for dismissing my contributions as delusional.

I believe that I am schizophrenic, and that I have been acting delusionally. I believe I am still schizophrenic, but I now know how to treat the most significant symptoms of the illness.

I do not believe that what I am saying about the viability of my cognitive behavioral treatment design is delusional.

I believe I have found an effective treatment for schizophrenia. If my belief is correct, it is important to get this information out to the rest of the world. I do not have the personal connections to do this on my own in an expedited fashion.

Please stop presuming that since I am schizophrenic, all of my insights must be delusional.

HELP ME GET THIS INFORMATION EXAMINED BY QUALIFIED EXPERTS, AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, PLEASE.

I've been terrified of whitecoats all my life. I have something the whitecoats could start using NOW to help people who are PRESENTLY suffering from a devastating disease.

Please help me.

There are people out there who are CURRENTLY feeling as badly as I did all of my life until this week.

Please.

Help me.

[Fenring]

I believe I have found an effective treatment for schizophrenia. If my belief is correct, it is important to get this information out to the rest of the world. I do not have the personal connections to do this on my own in an expedited fashion.

Please stop presuming that since I am schizophrenic, all of my insights must be delusional.

HELP ME GET THIS INFORMATION EXAMINED BY QUALIFIED EXPERTS, AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, PLEASE.

Believe it or not, the suggestion in my last message was intended to assist in self-diagnosis to assist you in assessing this very thing.

[seekingprometheus]

Here is the key:

If my thinking is no longer disordered the way it use to be, that is evidence the treatment works.

Text is an excellent metric of disordered thought. If my old text had markers of disorder that my current text no longer has, this is strong evidence that my treatment for schizophrenia works.

If my behaviors have truly shifted in a significant fashion (i.e. someone who has NEVER been able to simply apologize for mistakes like a sane person suddenly can do so without any problem) , this is strong evidence that my treatment for schizophrenia works.

I don't know a lot of whitecoats.

Help me, please.

[seekingprometheus]

I see that, Fenring. Thank you.

This is why I decided to blog this very personal experience on the internet, here at Ornery.

The archives are rife with examples of my completely schizophrenic discursive behaviors.

I am not the same person as the author of those words.

I am not burdened by the delusional thinking was suffering from.

I didn't need to have a shrink gently walk me through the process of starting to try to take responsibility for past mistakes, because as soon as my treatment CURED my disordered thinking, it was very obvious to me what I needed to do.

I can now think straight.

There are millions and millions of people who could benefit in ways no one healthy could possibly understand, if they could just go through a process of learning how to use paronomasia to reverse the disorder in their thinking.

People will die today because of the ramifications of untreated schizophrenia. All they need to do to get much, much better is to learn to write a poem to help them think in more than one way simultaneously!

That's all it takes to turn around disordered thinking which is presently destroying lives all over the world.

Please. Help.

[Fenring]

SP,

I can't help you in that specific way (i.e. by transmitting your ideas to others), especially since it's unlikely I can discern exactly what those are. I also can't speak to whether a treatment works (even assuming I was qualified, which I'm not) since I wouldn't know the various factors in play. But a good result for you is an excellent turn of events and I would suggest that celebrating it is a great thing, but if it's also causing you undo stress (for instance over how to disseminate what's happened to you) then perhaps it would be better until things have stabilized to focus on the positive and try to keep that going. That said I'll remind you that correlation =/= causation and that it could be very difficult to pin down what causes an improvement in circumstance such as in your case. For instance someone (not necessarily you) willing to try, and in becoming willing to try tries a particular thing, might wrongly attribute success to the thing rather than to a change in attitude about trying. Can't say anything particular in your case but a great deal of data is needed in parsing medical results before forming conclusions. Worse still when it's about brain science. That being said I do think there's value in thinking about these things, and I stand by my suggestion.

[seekingprometheus]

Fenring--all I'm asking is that, if you know a psychiatrist or a psychology professor, please ask them to read this thread.

I believe that the things that I am saying will have more significance to a group of experts in the field of psychology than to laypeople, but I don't have relationships with anyone with expertise in that field--I abused all of my professors in college by viciously attacking perceived errors in their presentations--I barely passed my college classes due to the conflict, and I never made nice with my teachers. Schizophrenics don't keep superficial relationships, or make easy friends.

[seekingprometheus]

I get that I need to be patient, but life isn't a meaningless game to me any longer.

I have loved ones who are suffering from this disorder. I can help them--now.

The only reason I can't is because no one fully believes me.

[D.W.]

(i.e. someone who has NEVER been able to simply apologize for mistakes like a sane person suddenly can do so without any problem)

Is THAT the bar we're using for sanity now?  Well crap, bad news for large part of the Ornery sample group.   

[seekingprometheus]

***I*** am not special.

Rayph is.

Scientists need to talk with him.

The mental health institution is not up to this task. Schizophrenic people will die, while I wait for two months to talk to some overworked psychiatrist.

Just being patient does not feel like a rational response to my situation. It seems like a fatalistic acceptance of something that seems too hard to overcome.

That type of illogical decision-making doesn't seem right to me any longer.

[D.W.]

I have the sneaking suspicion that the long hours which are part of health care schooling have a side effect of distorting the perception of time for those in the field. 

Oh sure I know they lack the number of professionals needed for the number of patients in most cases, but that bit of data is rendered inaccessible the moment I sit down in a waiting room or am required to pretend I am an equal participant in the scheduling process where they dictate which day I may thank them for disrupting.   

[scifibum]

sp, I sent you an email. If you can't access that email would you mind using the email link in my profile to send me one and let me know an address that works?

[seekingprometheus]

Hard day.

Still better than believing I don't deserve to be happy, but it was a really hard day.

I need to be patient.

You guys know that I understand that this is all a metaphor, right?

Paronomasia is where you can look at the same thing and find more than one meaning. My logical brain understands that Rayph is not real. But the other side of my brain does not understand this.

Too much emotion. Unreal Rayph has really been a handful today.

I was just asking for a placebo for my emotionally dysfunctional side--I know that I don't need a doctor's note to wear a hoodie in public.

But my dysfunctional emotional brain needed a sugar pill to help get past residual fear of my white coat doctor. What is the problem with writing a stupid placebo note to pacify my fear of a white coat doctor when I ask for one to satisfy an silly emotional need?

I get that she must have her reasons, and I'm sure they're very logical. Unfortunately, my need is both irrational and real. I don't need a note to wear a hood in public. I have a rational side with a rational need to satisfy an irrational emotional need as part of a system of compromise between my functional and dysfunctional brains.

Irrational mind: absurd emotional need.

Rational mind: Let's go to the psychiatrist.

Irrational mind: absurd emotional need.

Rational mind: But what about going to the psychiatrist?

Irrational mind: first i must have absurd emotional need.

Rational mind: What if I meet your need first--then can we go to the psychiatrist?

Irrational mind: first absurd emotional need then psychiatrist.

Rational mind: Doctor, my crazy side has a silly need. Can you help me get this for him--he really does need it?

Doctor: Nope. I don't see any rational reason for that.

Irrational mind: I told you she was a white coat. You can't trust white coats. They don't listen to you. They just want to kill the crazy side. Doctor white coat wants to kill the crazy side, she wants to kill me she wants to kill me she wants to kill and you promised you wouldn't let her but she doesn't listen to you and your logical side. I was right. White coat wants to kill me. White won't listen to you. White coat wants to kill me. We can't see her ever again. White coat lady wants to kill me.

Rational mind: Sigh. I was only asking for *censored*ing sugar pill so I could do something rational. Do I have to find another doctor now? Broken emotional brain won't do that again with someone new. This was a hard day.

I know that Rayph isn't real, people. But his needs are real. And I don't have the choice to ignore them.

Rayph is in short term memory. Logical side is in long term memory. Logical side is overworked from
trying to control Rayph. Long term memory scripts are written out of short term memory scripts, which is where delusional thinking begins.

The problem for me is communicating correctly. Emotion doesn't work for me, and it corrupts the long term memory. I can't find a way to communicate rationally because my scripts are corrupt.

I'm stuck in here with a crazy person who speaks crazy into my words, and I can't see it.

It does no good to tell the doctors. My communication system is broken. All I did by telling the doctor was invite conversations that were bound to get corrupted, and put a label on me which white coats think means they know better than me what is going on in my head.

I get that I still sound delusional. I can't purge even the long term memory scripts of delusions. But I actually understand what kind of help I need, but since my communication is broken, I can't communicate effectively.

It's like writing a message for help using your own blood, but it blots a little bit, so when you give it to a white coat, they can't read what it says, so they just crumple it up, and throw it away.

Really hard day.

Tired. Sleep. Better day tomorrow.

Extinction of long time compulsive behavior is real.

Absence of schizophasia is real. Or at least it was--negative emotions can bring it back, I would guess. Need to stay positive.

Logical long term scripts have extinguished long term compulsive behaviors. This is real. Executive function is taking orders from long term memory scripts. That is real.

I doesn't matter if no one believes me.

I believe I deserve to be happy. I could never manage to find any way to believe that before treatment. That is real. That is what treatment was for. I'm going to learn to be happy. That is real. The treatment is working. I don't need others to believe in it. Treatment stopped suicidality immediately. That is real. That matters to me. I don't need validation of the reality from the outside. My treatment is working for me.

Today was a hard day, but it was a good day, because I chose to be happy today. I couldn't do that before. That is real. I don't need other people to validate my treatment method. My treatment is working. I have finally found a way to overcome my belief that I could never be happy. That is real.

I had a hard day today, but I kept my commitment to try to be happy, so it was a good day.

The extinction of self-destructive behaviors is real. I will not let the doubts of others take that away from me.

The treatment is working.

[seekingprometheus]

Dr K,

I know that Rayph isn't real.

I know that I don't need a note to wear a hoodie in public places. I was asking for a sugar pill, so that my right temporal lobe didn't have an irrational tantrum for no good reason at all.

I had a very bad day today. I was too emotional, in response to a very rational and polite email from my doctor.

I get that I'm sending you a LOT of emails lately. But I just admitted to my doctor that I'm schizophrenic, which means that I no longer have the option of denial for coping with a pretty big problem for which there is currently no solution. I haven't been able to eat since that happened. Just milk and a few berries, with a spoonful of cereal or two, before my temporal lobe makes me throw the rest of the bowl away.

I really could have used a sugar pill today. I could really still use the exact same zero cost sugar pill tomorrow, in spite of how obviously irrational that is. Perfectly reasonable logic has yet to provide any real relief for this ailment, if you see what I mean.

But--believe it or not--I have a big stupid grin on my face right now, in spite of my very bad day--because I know something you don't know, Dr Kernan. I see a kind of meaning in all of this that it seems that rational people simply cannot see (yet): I am not made of Paranoia any longer, Doctor--a Crazy Wizard burned my Fears in a Paronomastic Forge, and Today I am Remade in Irony.



I'm going to be happy, going forward--for "Choice" is the new name of my delusions.

Rayph

[seekingprometheus]

Is my dual-ego self-conception a threat to others’ sense of personality?

I understand that Rayph is just my right brain. It’s just a delusion, like everybody else’ delusion that their ego is some singular whole.

Do people not know that the singular ego is as delusional a construct as a dual ego?

[seekingprometheus]

Why am I talking to myself again?

The negative emotions are so powerful. Am I still two people? Did he get back in?

[seekingprometheus]

I don’t feel like two people any more—not fully. It’s almost like I’m back to my old, singular ego. I’m afraid I may have let the old me slip back in.

I’m too tired to deal with this now. I don’t want to go back to a singular ego. I could never control him when we were all jumbled up in one personality. I felt more in control of my life than I ever have yesterday. I’ve never been able to write as fluently as I did yesterday—I don’t want to go back to my old conception of self...

Now that I can’t distinguish between us as well, I’m already feeling down.

How do I stop him from taking back over?

[seekingprometheus]

Was it just mania?

I’ve been manic before—it didn’t feel at all the same as what I felt yesterday.

How did my left brain lose control?

[seekingprometheus]

I need to stop feeding my doubt.

My script will work.

I just need some sleep, today will be a good day.

[Pete at Home]

The other friend that I speak of sometimes seemed to engage different personas in different modes of communication.  Unfortunately my favorite of her personality seems to of stayed in the lock box for weeks now.  So perhaps instead of keeping him from taking control you can give him control of something else. Set him loose on another forum, for example, or set him to writing letters,

[Pete at Home]

Negotiate; if needs be mediate, lest your left brain not know what your right brain is doing. 

[seekingprometheus]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Woke up with a delusionally happy grin on my face!

There are two of us in hear, and we are communicating well!

The treatment is working!

The treatment is working!

Sleep.

Sleep is the key.

The long term scripts are working! The paradigmatic scripts were able to clean the corrupted emotion from yesterday’s scripts over the sleep period!

There are two of us in here, and we are communicating effectively today!

I’m so delusionally HAPPY!

The treatment is working!!!

[seekingprometheus]

Hahaha!

There are two of us...hear?

Lol!

[seekingprometheus]

Need to take notes.

Can't think straight. too happy. delusionally happy. so much laughter. cant htink straight!

Long term memory scripts are working. New Paradigm scritps clear emotion from new long term memories each night.

Going to leave speelling errors. Scientific evidence. hahahaha delusional happy hapyy

So happy.

Long term negative=emotion-laden scripts from yesterday have been eradicated over period of sleep.

When I start to get upset, I just need to take a nap!

[seekingprometheus]

Rayph doesn't need that sugar pill today.

Today is a wonderful day.

The treatment works.

[seekingprometheus]

Sorry for emailing you again--but I don't need that silly hoodie note any more!

My treatment works. I am no longer a paranoid schizophrenic, because paranoia is no longer the central feature of my emotional disorder. Laughter and delusional happiness have replaced fear. (edit to add: and anger)

Sleep is critical.

Emotion ("truth-corruption" for someone with schizophrenia) gets written into the long term memory scripts each day. I woke up happy yesterday, and then I had a bad day, it was very hard to get to sleep because I was very upset. Tried to turn negative emotions around using paronomasia, but only partially successful. Went to sleep.

Woke up with a delusional grin on the left side of my face.

New paradigmatic scripts work during sleep to remove emotion (truth-corruption variable) from long term memory scripts. Couldn't shake upset feeling last night because the long term scripts I was operating on had become corrupted by dysfunctional emotion during day.

Sleep cleared the cache of corrupt data.

I woke up feeling delusionally happy and excited for the day! Got some breakfast too--cereal, banana, and two boiled eggs!

Still too much emotion. Too much happiness makes it hard to think rationally.

But I'm happy. I've been laughing like crazy all morning.

My employer (best friend) wants to set up a trial and file for a patent! Delusion is apparently contagious! HAHAHAHA!

Thank you again, Dr K.

You can't possibly understand what you have done for me!

Rayph

[seekingprometheus]

Haven't read replies here, if there were any last night. Need to take a couple of days without feeling impacted by judgment--good or bad.

Need to let this settle. Even happiness isn't healthy, if it is dysfunctionally strong.

...but man, it feels good!

[seekingprometheus]

There is nothing wrong with verbal/rational/logical mind. Doctors are HURTING schizophrenics because they are focusing on treating the wrong side of brain. Schizophrenia is an EMOTIONAL disorder. There is no way to “fix” the “logical” part of a schizophrenic brain, bc there is nothing wrong with it.

Schizophrenia is an emotional disorder.

You cannot cure logic problem bc there is no logic problem. The problem is in irrational emotions going haywire, which happens prior to judgement, corrupting logic. Emotional problem is cause of logic problem.

Can’t turn thinking around.

You can turn EMOTIONS around.

Have to find new adaptive ego structure capable of  simultaneously operating differently for functional side of brain and dysfunctional side.

Have to enter psychosis to severe ego in two. More adaptive ego structure for disparately functioning brain hemispheres.

More adaptive solution to problem.

Delusions can be adaptive.

Adapt or die.

[seekingprometheus]

This would be so much easier with help. I’m lost, and I need a guide.

But I’m happy and hopeful.

I got this.

And when we get myselves fixed, we can be the guide. This doesn’t have to be this hard. I’ve just got to buckle down and make it through to the far side.

[seekingprometheus]

I Took a short nap. I saw Rayph’s Dreams. They are still full of fear. But there are ironic outcomes to the irrational fears, and he keeps waking up laughing.

That’s why I keep waking up with a laugh!

Need an observer.

My observations are nearly useless independently. Need to find a mode of corroboration.

[seekingprometheus]

I believe the primary therapeutic value of hood is in overload of touch sensation. Rayph likes to drape the hood over my left eye, so there might be additional value in optic deprivation, but the primary function of hood is to replicate touch of right-handed mother’s hand rubbing left side of face as child.

I can calm my left side down by rubbing left side of face with right hand.

Schizophrenia comes from father’s side, dyslexia from mother’s. Maladaptive cognition keeps turning things around.

Possible that treatment only can work for dyslexic schizophrenics (possibly with ipsilateral eye dominance—which may be related to dyslexia.)

Still off of methylphenidate due to mania. ADD symptoms may have been entirely due to fear impeding actualization of intentions. ADD etiology may be based in dysfunctional emotion.

[seekingprometheus]

Possible side effect of treatment: permanent reversal of conceptual left and right.

But I’ve had problems keeping that straight all my life, anyway. I’ll take it, if it means I can fix the emotional problem.

[seekingprometheus]

I’ll just turn it into a pun once the ego structure is stable, to allow me to comminicate effectively with others. Rayph needs to stop worrying about what is left and what is write, and  my left brain can worry about that problem later.

I could probably fix the problem by reinitiating psychotic break process to code a paronomastic solution (a riddle) into New Paradigmatic scripting, but I have no intention of ever entering psychosis again unsupervised. Steve needed outside help with outside emotional processing to get through a hospital to a reception desk, and even with help, it took HOURS.

I don’t want to enter psychosis again. Unless I find more significant defects in New Paradigm scripts, I may just flip the script on left and write, and turn the page on that chapter...

[seekingprometheus]

Second “left and write” was intentional. Edited it in. Went back to see if there was anywhere else to edit in the pun, and saw that it was already there at the top.


Lol

[seekingprometheus]

A Mad Scientist and a Crazy Wizard are dancing ecstatically in my mind.

Their rhythm is finally perfectly synced.

Delusion of the day: I’m a better balanced dancer now.

That makes me happy.

Delusions can be adaptive.

[seekingprometheus]

i Know I sound delusional, but if you know someone who studies the brain/psychology, please ask them to read this.

I am confident that will be done with fixing my biggest problems from schizophrenia before Nov 2 psychiatric appointment. I need corroboration of my process now.

[seekingprometheus]

Singular ego structure is highly adaptive for balanced brains. A dual ego structure is better for unbalanced brains--it is an adaptive solution to the problem of unbalanced cognition. In order to severe ego, must apply paronomasia treatment to dysfunctional judgements to induce psychosis. Very dangerous without supervision. Have to deconstruct all schemata in paradigm, clearing emotion-based judgments from Paradigmatic Superscript, write new long term Paradigmatic instructions into Superscript to clear emotion based judgments from long term memories accrued during day during sleep. Very difficult to do without supervision. I didn't fully understand what I was doing, so I may need to induce psychosis (if even possible with new ego structure) to overwrite remaining corrupt judgments still in Paradigm. Also possible that new ego structure can find new adaptive solution to problem, and that psychosis was only requisite to severe ego in two. Don't know yet. But the treatment works.

[seekingprometheus]

Hypothesis: contralateralized brain function is related to proper spindle cell functioning.

Humans are social beings. When my mother looks me in the eyes, her right eye is lined up with my left, and her left with my right. That way, we can mirror each other’s emotions.

[seekingprometheus]

Lol!

I got a dual-core processor, y'all.

Lol!

Just got to learn to keep us from fighting so much during the day.

Don't think it will be all that hard. We're both learning very quickly, even though Rayph is VERY easily distracted, and still very tantrum prone. No matter. He's really only a couple of days old. He'll learn to adapt to his new situation. He already seems so much happier and healthier than the left side of my singular ego used to feel.

Delusions can be adaptive.

[seekingprometheus]

I am Rayph.

I am a Wizard! (Thou Knowst Nothing, Foolish Skeptic--I Can Read thy Mind and Bind thee Epileptic. If thou Bringst War, thou Shalt Feel my Teeth! Only in Love Canst thou Find Peace!)

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Heh.

Yup. He's a Crazy Wizard. I see myself more as a Mad Scientist, though I see my need to advance in degree.

Rayph wrote a spell that helped me learn to write brain code.

I'm going to figure this thing out. He's going to help.

...

I am RAYPH!

[seekingprometheus]

It worked.

I resolved my lifelong disorder.

I am no longer schizophrenic.

Thank you guys so much for your help. I truly have so much respect for all of you guys, so I hope y'all don't take this the wrong way, but I don't imagine that there is any way y'all could possibly fully appreciate what you've done.

You're geniuses, in my book. All of you. You taught me how to think straight.

Thank you.

(I'm going to slightly modify my former request: if anybody knows a cognitive scientist who would like to be involved in the development of my new treatment modality for Paranoid Schizophrenia, I'm currently looking to put together a research team.)

Thanks again, y'all!