Times, they be a changing.

[Pete at Home]

Back in the 1980s, I never would have believed that I could get a hot date from the line " in all modesty, I am the greatest dungeon master that ever lived"

[D.W.]

Now which variety of person day dreaming about tight leather outfits and conquest did you pick up with that one?  While there is some cross over likely, that line has a wider appeal than it did in the 80s. 

[JoshuaD]

Paging edgmatt and msquared to the thread. It's time for a DM throwdown.

[Pete at Home]

I have a transcript from a 3.5 game with Thing One and Thing Three.  One of my more creative but not my best.

We need to all have a D&D get together some time. Am nervous about trying it via Skype.

[Pete at Home]

Now which variety of person day dreaming about tight leather outfits and conquest did you pick up with that one?  While there is some cross over likely, that line has a wider appeal than it did in the 80s. 

Early 40s nurse (!) who looks like a librarian (!!) in South Carolina 45 min from me, on a dating site.  Said yes to the profile question if she owned any dice >6 sides. Her ex husband used to dm and she misses it but not him.

I seem to be on a roll with short redheaded atheists lately.  My last one (yoga instructor) stayed 11 months, ending September.  My heart's still a bit broken, but I was her post divorce rebound.

First date set up for Friday but I hope to sneak a visit before that.

Thing One is home from college and I have tomorrow, Thurs, and Friday mornings scheduled to game with them. 

[D.W.]

Way to ruin my BDSM humor by making it a family event.   



Anyway...  Have fun!  I will be getting some D&D in with my sister's family and their little one as well. 

[Pete at Home]

1001 Dice
Augusta Georgia December 2012
Border of Glamis and Lapland, in the Riverlands, December 3617
------
The setting sun reflects off something shiny on the ground in front of you.  As you approach, you see rusty armor, and what looks like burnt bones.  Bones of armored men and armored horses.  The dark spot on the approaching mountain looks like the cave that the shepherds told you about.

“Are there trees nearby?”

Not in front of you, not as far as you can see.  Flat open field for two miles, all the way to the mountain.  Your men look pale, and some are taking their weapons out.

“We tell them to hide their weapons, wait behind, and we bring the gift horses to the mouth of the cave.”

As you approach, you’re hearing noises from the cave mouth.  Angry noises.  Roaring, and clanging sounds.  Scraping noises.

“Like knights fighting dragons? Inside the cave?”

Maybe metal on metal, or metal on stone.  Do you keep going forward?

“Yes.  With the gift horses in front of us.”

You can’t.  The gift horses are pulling back.  It’s all you can do to drag them forward.  Even the trained war horses that you’re riding are beginning to spook.  As you reach the cave’s mouth, you see a flash of gold sparks in the setting sunlight.  And a big dark box, flying from the mouth of a cave.  A big open chest.  Another chest flies from the cave, slamming into the wet earth. It bursts, and gold and silver coins spill onto the grass.  You realize that you’re hearing roaring the roaring of at least two different creatures.

“I speak draconic.  Can I understand what they are saying?”

One of the dragons is bellowing “Get Out” and the other one keeps saying, “I’m leaving; stop throwing my things.”

“What?”

A silvery winged lizard the size of a house emerges from the cave mouth, clutching a third chest in its front claws.  Its roar sound more subdued than the roars of the creature still inside the cave: “Why are you throwing me out?  You’re the one that was stepping out on me.”  Then it sees you, turns to you and snarls, in perfect Lappish, “Touch a single coin and you die.” 

“We stand very still, away from the coins and chests. Is the other Dragon saying anything?”

It’s saying, “I won’t have my son hear you speaking to me that way, in my cave.  Stepping out on you?  You hypocrite.  It’s not like you’ve never played with your food.  The shepherds told me about that litter of fire-breathing sheep.”  The silver dragon turns back to you and bellows, “Don’t stand around gawking!  Fill those chests back, and if there’s a single coin missing, I’ll roast you.”

“Hammerman keeps the horses from running away while I pick the coins up.  I do not take any.  I put them all back in the chests”

Hammerman, Gargland’s giving you the reins to his horse and he’s picking up the coins, but you notice, next to your big toe, a ruby as wide as your thumb.  No one’s looking at you.

“I’m no idiot,” says Thing Three.  I pick it up and hand it to Gargland, and he puts it in the chest. We don’t take anything.”

Without a word to you, the silver dragon takes the chests and flies away. 

“If the horses are secure, we kneel down and wait at the mouth of the cave, just like Sir Ysling told us.”

After half an hour, a copper-haired woman steps from the cave and announces to you, “Lady Livillia will see you now.”

“A human woman?”

Yes.  She takes your horses’ reins and gestures you in through the cave.

“We tell her that the four gift horses are for … ‘Lady Livillia?’”

The woman scrunches her nose up a bit, and takes your draft horses.

“We go where she told us to go.”

The woman leads your horses to the back of the cave, and tells you to wait in a cavern about fifty feet from the mouth of the cave.  A few minutes later, something very big approaches from the back of the cave.  Lizard-like.  Bigger than the silver dragon. 

“What color is she?”

You can’t tell.  Livillia glistens with the color of your torchlight.  She has with her a strange creature.  A stumbling wet pony-like creature, with gleaming metalic bat wings.  Now that you think of it, the wings look dragon-like.

“We kneel down, like Sir Ysling told us.”

She speaks to you in Lappish.  “What is your business, mortals?”

“We tell her what Sir Ysling told us.”

You’ll have to say it.

“OK.  Lady Livillia, we come on behalf of Sir Ysling, bearing gifts, and humbly asking for permission to send a company of two hundred soldiers, and horses to cross these lands, from Yslington to Freysport.”

The dragon smiles at you, fangs spilling out from behind her gleaming copper lips.  “Knights and war horses are always welcome in my lands.”

“Yes, my lady, but we ask for an invitation, since Sir Ysling knows that you would not eat an invited guest.”

“Ah.  So you want two hundred men and horses to pass through my lands, without being eaten?  A lady has got to eat.”

“Sir Ysling offers twenty draft horses in exchange for safe passage, Lady Livillia”

[Thing Three nudged Thing One.]  “Don’t forget to flatter her, like Sir Ysling said.”

“Will you grant our humble request, Lady Livillia, beloved peacebringer.”

At the word “peacebringer,” Livillia’s eyes, each bigger than your face, open wide, and even in the torchlight, you can see her irises, lavander flecked with gold.  Her pupils are horizontal lines, like a goat’s eyes.  She paces around you until her face almost meets her tail, so that her body almost encircles you.  She looks back into your face, and says to you, in a sharper tone of voice, “Peace-bringer? No one has called me that before.  Why do you call me that, mortal?  Did you not see the bones littering the way to my cave?”

“Yes, my Lady.  It is said that there were great wars between Lapland and Glamis until you made this mountain your home, right on the boundary.”

“Peace bringer? I have eaten a thousand of your knights, and their horses.

“Poor shepherds tend their flocks without fear of you. And without the extortion of the knights and barons.  You have ended the wars, and protected shepherds from oppression.”

Perhaps I just like to eat your knights and horses.  Perhaps shepherds are too stringy, and their sheep too greasy for my tastes.  Are you so sure that I care whether one nation of mortals slaughters another?”   The question hangs in the air, and she stares into your face, expecting an answer.

“Yes?”  [Thing One is shaken.]

Livilla throws back her head and laughs. 

“Is that Livillia laughing, or is that you, Dad?”

[Both of us.]  “I like you, Mortal; why is it that Sir Ysling sends a spokesman that cannot tell a lie with a straight face?”

“He’s an honest man, a better man than the Count of Lapland. His people love him, and he takes from them no more than he needs to protect their lives and lands.”

Livillia’s laugh stops, and she resumes pacing around you.  “Then tell me this, mortal.  If I am the peacebringer you describe, then why should I give safe passage to a traitor who rebels agains his sworn lord, and seeks to plunge Lapland into civil war?”

[Thing One looks to Thing Three.  Neither can answer Livillia’s question.]

“I am in no hurry.  Why don’t you return to Sir Ysling with my gift, and tell him that I’m considering his offer.  Come back in a week if you have an answer for me.”

“Your gift?”

The dragon knudges forward the infant horse with its folded dragon wings.  “Feed her well.  Her fire breath should not start up for another year; make sure that Ysling bonds with her before that.  This new-hatched offspring will make Sir Ysling a fine steed.  My son is too young to understand why his new half-sister is half-horse. ”

“Umm… Lady Livillia is too generous.”

Livillia looks almost tender as she nuzzles the young dragon-horse goodbye.  “Welcome to the world, kid.  Your father was delicious.”

[The boys’ eyes go wide, and we can hear Exie laughing as she steps into the living room from the kitchen.]  “OK, game over; we need to get your dad back to rehab.”

Thing One and Thing Three look at each other.  “When can we have another game?”

Talk to your mom.  It’s up to her.  Maybe she’ll join us next time, like the old days.

[Pete at Home]

Way to ruin my BDSM humor by making it a family event.   

Spanking is much too fun for children. As you can see from my transcript, though, I don't keep mine uninformed of the facts of life.

I think I shared that story with Joshua once.

PS Josh, weren't you going to call?

[Pete at Home]

Now which variety of person day dreaming about tight leather outfits and conquest did you pick up with that one?  While there is some cross over likely, that line has a wider appeal than it did in the 80s. 

Actually the world that I'll be playing with with my kids and also probably the one that I'll introduce to my friend although not Friday will be dark sun, a TSR world inspired by Mad Max, which is a bit of a BDSM crossover.

See www.athas.org

[D.W.]

So, name of that chapter...  Gift Horse in the Mouth? 

[Pete at Home]

 I thought of that as a title. Any guesses as to why I picked the title a thousand and one dice?

For a whole year afterwards, Thing Three would abruptly laugh and repeat " welcome to the world kid. Your father was delicious"